i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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