im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
