I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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