I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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