Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
