So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
