that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
