He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
