p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
