You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
