the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
