We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
