Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
