wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
