i permit you to call me
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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