you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
