i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
