we're blogging at a bar
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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