giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
