At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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