She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
