Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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