My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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