You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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