I should be sponsored by Trojan
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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