I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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