I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
