Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
