Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
