I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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