So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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