I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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