I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
