wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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