And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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