I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
