You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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