I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
