I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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