do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
