I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
