i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
