This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
