you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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