I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
