If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
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Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.