I think I won the penis lottery.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
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no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married