I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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