she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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