Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
