somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
