8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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