White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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