Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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