I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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