I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sext me about skeletons
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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