I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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