either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
